I love my baby and would do about anything for him I could. Unfortunately, one thing that is just not a possibility right now is staying home with him. I have to go back to work and I have to go back next week. And I’m beside myself to leave this little guy:
Wearing a hat made for him
Now because of circumstances, D is going to be able to stay home with him at least for the foreseeable future. And D is a great dad and will do a great job taking care of baby E during the day. And everyone keeps telling me I should be happy because D is going to be the caregiver and we don’t have to use day care right now. And I am.
But it won’t be me. I won’t be there.
And no matter how many pictures D sends me or how good I am about leaving the office on time (something I’ve struggled with in the past) I won’t be there all day every day. There are going to be lots of mornings where I leave and he’ll still be asleep (including my first day back next week thanks to a meeting I have–only consolation is that I will likely be home early as well) and then when I do finally come home I’ll only have a short window within which to make/eat dinner and spend time with him.
And I’m fortunate I work in an office with lots of empathetic moms who will understand and offer advice/compassion since they’ve gone through it.
And yes I’ll have the weekends. And yes there are millions of parents who send their kids to day care and are still active parents. And yes baby E will still love me and [eventually] be excited to see me at the end of the day.
But my heart is still breaking about leaving him. And I still burst into tears (including right now) when I think about going back. Because I feel like I’m going to miss out and the reality is I will. I will probably miss the first time he rolls over. The first time he stands on his own. Crawls. Takes a step. Maybe even speaks.
Or maybe I’ll be lucky and he’ll confine all those milestones to the evenings/weekends.
Regardless, I know that he’ll be in great hands and I’m probably just being overly emotional … doesn’t change the fact that I’m beyond upset about having to leave him.
How do you deal with mommy guilt?
