D and I do not have any kids…yet. But we do have parents. Our respective parents have each been married for 33 (this year 34!) years. Atypical by today’s standards perhaps.
D and I have both gone to college, and then to higher education meaning our parents have had to see us move out. I remember when I went to college in another state. Now I was still on the east coast but about an hour flight (or 7 hour drive) away. I knew I wanted to come back to my home state to live so it seemed like a good idea to go away for a few years. My parents were both excited for me. For the opportunities I would have and the adventure I was undergoing. They knew my intentions were to return to my home state, but there was always the chance that wouldn’t happen. And so they said good-bye. Although I am sure both were sad to see me go, my father had a harder time. But I came home for all the holidays, called quite frequently (first time I owned my own cell phone!) and lived at home during the summer. I did eventually go to grad school and actually lived at home with them during school (that could be a whole book about that experience!). I met a great guy, D, got married and moved to the next town over.
Now to put this blog in perspective, I grew up with all of my grandparents no more than a 25 minutes drive away. This was what I had expected for my kids. When I met D and fell in love, I realized this was not going to be our reality. The best I could hope for was to live near one set of grandparents and visit the other often.
One other thing, my father has a close relationship with his brother. Really close. They talk multiple times a day. So when my uncle moved to Florida, it was hard on my dad. Once my uncle moved there full time (instead of 1/2 the year) my dad started talking about moving to Florida himself. For years he discussed it but my mother kept saying no. Finally she agreed. Now he just had to wait for my brother to move out. About a month ago he did. The next week, my dad had a realtor come to the house. And now their house is on the market. Once it sells, they are heading to Florida.
So I am in the reverse position. Now I am dealing with parents who are moving away from me. And let me tell you, it is difficult. I support my parents selling the house and moving into a condo. I support my dad being able to retire. I do. But I’ll be somewhat selfish, I want them here. I am now left with ZERO grandparents close by for my kids. Yes I know with technology they can skype and chat and email all the time. We’ll go visit them and they’ll come visit us. It isn’t the same. When my kid is sick and I need an “experienced” mother to offer a second opinion, they won’t be nearby. If my kids really want to see grandma and grandpa (or whatever they want to be called … TBD) it won’t be possible. There will have to be planes and tickets and vacation days involved. I was lucky. If I wanted to see my grandparents, I did. I don’t remember ever missing them (until they passed away obviously). And what about my parents and in-laws? If they want to see their grandkids it won’t be so easy.
I want it all. I understand families are changing and everyone living in the same town for their whole lives is less likely. I do. I get it. But I still feel sorry for myself (and my siblings). But mostly, I feel sorry for my future kids. I think I am a better person for having involved grandparents who lived so close.
I would be so sad if my dad moved states away. Have you ever thought of moving to Florida? Yeah… me neither. Where do his parents live?
My parents (dad and stepmom) moved from Cali to Hawaii when we were all in college. It was awful. They didn't seem to understand that we didnt have the money to come visit, even if we did have the time. Then we all got jobs, and we had the money but not the time. Now we all have kids. They are just now moving back to Cali because they feel like they are missing out. I am glad about that even though I no longer live in Cali (I am married to an Air Force officer, so we move around).
I grew up with my grandparents right behind us! We shared backyards. I'm a Navy Wife & mom now. Sometimes it bugs me that I won't give my son the same type of roots that I had. Then I have to remember that I have had wanderlust since I was 5 years old and I'll be able to give Klaw wings I had to find for myself. They aren't the same as roots, but they have their benefits, too.
@Carri: His parents (as well as my mom's parents) are all deceased. I keep telling him I won't move to Florida but he's set on it. Fortunately (selfishly, for me at least) the house isn't selling right now so it cold be a while.@Heidi: My in-laws live internationally so at times they definitely feel they are missing out. My parents are now opting to "miss out." I don't get it.@Dana: I know what you mean. I loved that aspect of my childhood and am sad my kids won't experience it.
I really understand where you're coming from. I would feel the same way. I'm sorry you are in this position. I think it is normal for you to not like it!
I totally understand that. My parents live nearby (and his don't thankfully!) and I have loved having them close since C was born. We've contemplated moving, but them being here is a huge factor.
Dear Sara,
I was sooooo relieved to see this post – my husband and I moved back to our hometown to raise our kids near family. We live mere miles (5 at the most) from our relatives. Our daughter was born in December and my parents were absolutely thrilled to become grandparents…which is why it was an especially hard blow when they announced that they want to move to Florida. How could they think to move at a special time like this? Add my incredibly unstable hormones after giving birth and learning to be a mother – I spent days in complete sadness. Our daughter is 4 months old now and my parents will be going to Florida to meet with a realtor next week. I am trying my best to cope with this, but it still devastates me. My husband and friends are wonderfully supportive, and although I still have my in-laws, well…a girl just wants her mom around. I also always thought I’d care for my parents into their old age. I live in NY and there is no way my husband and I would consider moving to Florida. Have things gotten better for you? Can you share any advice / tips / coping skills? I would appreciate so much!!!
Sadly my situation has gotten worse. My parents recently sold their house and will be looking at a place in Florida. They are going to live in Baltimore for an extra year since the buyer wants the house so quickly it doesn’t give them time to buy something in Florida. I’m still heartbroken. Telling my parents didn’t change anything sadly. I hope you are able to talk to your parents and that it will be different for you!
Hi Sara,
I meant to check back sooner – sorry so much time has passed. I’m currently in a ‘limbo’ state. My parents purchased a house in Fl but only my mom will be going there (she leaves at the end of January 2013) for now. My dad is refusing to move until the house in NY sells, and in the rural area they are in, it will literally take years. I can’t imagine what this will do to their marriage, and as much as I hate to say it, it just isn’t the same to visit only my dad (again, every new mom likes to have their mom around to help guide them – and, to share in the wondeful new experiences together)! Emotionally, I’ve come a long way in that I can type this to you and not be a mess of tears…but when the end of the month comes and my mom leaves, I hope to still be this strong. I wish things could be different but at this point I am just craving closure, and I’m not certain that is going to come with this strange living arrangement they’ve concocted.
Baltimore seems like it was still a hard move for you to endure. I’m so sorry that you are going through it! I sometimes comfort myself in knowing that I will thoroughly enjoy being close to my daughter when she’s starting her family…that is, if she wants me nearby, haha! And, seeing as she just turned 1 last month, we’ve got LOTS of time to build that relationship.
)
I hope your journey is getting better!
Evelyn
My son just turned one last month as well! My parents sold their house but moved into an apartment close to us for a year before moving to Florida. I still choose to pretend they aren’t moving to Florida. Hope you are able to deal when your mom moves away.
Whoops … new mommy brain! He turned one MONTH in December 2012
I am ashamed to say that misery loves company and I was so relieved to find this post. Hugs and strength to you all in your own situations. I am 37 years old and the mother of 2 and do feel self conscious that at this point in my life I am so unbelievably upset that my mother and stepfather have chosen to move to Florida (we all live in NY ). My stepfather has been down there for 2 mos and my mother is finishing up witht the closing on the house and moving next week. I am supposed to be happy for them.; Supposed to look forward to visits to Fl.; supposed to explain this move to my children with a pleasant tone and optimistic attitude. Instead I am selfish, feeling hurt and a little angry and have actually asked…begged a little….for her to change her mind. We do not always see eye to eye on things but we are very close and she has a very close relationship with my kids who completely adore her. Going to their house has always been such a loving and happy experience and they often host dinners and parties and it is sort if the only place I feel that I can truly just relax and enjoy a dinner and someone else fusses over me and the kids and the kids just love it there….I am so sad that that is gone. Good luck to you guys. My own Grandparents Moved to Fla when i was 8. I continued to have a very good relationship with them and as I got older went to stay with them by myself a few times. Not quite the same, but a little consolation.
I completely understand. Now that baby E is here it is even stranger for me to accept that they really are going to move to Florida. I want them to stay here. I want them to see baby E grow up. My in-laws don’t have the option of being present to see him grow up — my parents do. I will not be pretending that I am ok with it — I am not. And when he grows up if he has questions about how they could leave/why they could leave, he’s well within his rights to ask them. I love my parents and I know they love baby E. I just wish they’d stick around. Good luck to you!
Just wanted to say thank you for writing this post! I’m glad I found it and it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one out there. My mother (the only parent I have a relationship with & the only blood from my family I have in town) has decided to pick up and move to Florida (does everyone go to FL when they get older?!) all for a guy that’s broken her heart more than enough times. It doesn’t help that she told me all this via text message. I don’t have children yet, but am mad and sad that she won’t be around for any of it and doesn’t seem to care one bit. My sister’s indifferent because she herself moved hours away years ago and doesn’t see her anyway. I get wanting to live somewhere more fun and exciting, but I feel abandoned and less important than some bad boyfriend. He doesn’t have kids/family, so it would be much easier for him to move here. We used to do everything together and now it’s just gonna be me on my own. To make matters worse, my husband and I are remodeling our new house (another depressing topic – I’ve lived in apts for such a long time that moving to a quiet house that’s currently in shambles just makes me feel so lonely) and have to stay with my mom while we finish. So to add to all the house and her moving stress, I have be surrounded by all her packed boxes. I cry at least once a day over everything that’s going wrong right now.
I hope things have gotten better for you as time has passed!
So sorry you are going through that! Sadly … not really. When my parents found out I was pregnant (currently he’s 6 months old!) they decided to stay in town for another year. They have officially bought a place in Florida and are moving there at the end of the year. I am devastated. My mom and I discussed it today (she’s not as on board with it as my father) and I think E (my son) and any future children are going to be the ones who lose out the most. I was very fortunate to grow up around my grandparents … my kids won’t have that on either side. Good luck to you!